Aberration

Last year's NYE was very pleasant - a house party in Brixton and taxi home in the early hours having drunk and danced the night away with the fabulous people I know through the theatre.

Having arrived home and rolled into bed I got a call from a very VERY merry Mr B informing me that he was coming over. I was fairly happy with this new development although I got very sleepy waiting for him and conked out before he arrived. When he finally got to my house I was very tousled and half awake and we proceeded to have clumsy/drunk/unsuccessful sex before passing out.

The next day was very lazy and completely lovely. This was back in the days when I was pretty keen on old Mr B and there was something incredibly luxurious about having him to myself for a lie in. We got up in the early afternoon and went for breakfast at a nearby cafe in Balham, then returned to my house where he stayed the rest of the day. We completely vegged out, watching Homicide: Life on the Street, episode after episode, and had lazy sex throughout the day at various intervals before eating roast potatoes and passing out again.

***

This year's NYE was very pleasant - a mini house party in Brixton with a few lovely people I know from the theatre where we danced and drank the night away... until around 2am when the party of four started to wind down. Farley headed (very tipsily) to bed and the other two members of our group got down and dirty in their scrabble game. I decided that I was not yet ready for scrabble or bed so called a couple of people I knew to be partying in London.

I got through to Mr B - hammered and very cheerful - who quickly insisted that I come to Holloway and join the party he was at, which I had been invited to originally. I gave him a number of conditions (Would he meet me from the tube station? Yes, he would. Would he get me booze? Yes he would. Did I have the option of staying at his place? Yes I did. Ok, then I'll see you in about an hour) and headed up to North London, making the most of the free underground service in the meantime. There is something very odd about being on a packed tube at 3am.

Walking up to meet him I was merrily bopping down the street to my ipod when I saw his familiar lope along the street, mad hair flying in the wind. He greeted me with a massive smacker on the lips and tight squeeze and we headed up to the party.

I'm not entirely sure how it happened but before long we were snogging like teenagers, falling over and giggling like idiots. I think drunk me had forgotten a number of pertinent facts; that I'm not supposed to fancy him any more, that he has recently acted like a total arsehole, that I'm supposed to be mad about someone else (though that seems to be going backwards... more later), that I was being all empowered by not being involved with him in the slightest. The fact is... it felt like a long time since I'd had a good snog, and I was drunk and horny.

With him... we have been... well I suppose "involved" would do... for such a long time that it's become very easy to fall back into the old ways of shagging each other silly just when we feel like it. So that's exactly what we did. We rolled back to his place, had clumsy/drunk/unsuccessful sex before passing out. Then woke up in the morning to find his housemate and two other guys from the party the night before drinking whiskey in the living room, who wanted to head out onto the balcony that you get to through Mr B's room for smokes. Feeling slightly frisky still (and probably not a little drunk) we headed to the bathroom, turned on the shower and used that to cover any suspicious noises.

The day unfolded in a slightly surreal way where time seemed to bend and wobble when you tried to keep track of it. The five of us went on an epic trek across North London taking in Tufnell Park, Highgate, the whole of Hampstead Heath (or it felt like it anyway) and Hampstead, the whole was the still considerably pissed member of our group wearing a bright red fedora bellowing "HAAAPPY NEW YEAR!!" at every single person we walked past. Then judging them based on their responses ("Well that was begrudging at best!"). He hadn't yet been to bed. We had lunch at a pub but were forced to sit outside because it was so busy, and Mr B and his housemate took it in turns to give me cuddles. Why is it that when you're hungover you require so many more cuddles?

After lunch we had another trek to another pub across Hampstead, where people started flagging but were revived by a spirited discussion about The Wire. We did our final epic trek through Highgate, back to Tufnell Park and collapsed on the sofas and curled up while roast potatoes cooked and watched some inoffensive comedies. I had already begged a bed for the night as getting home seemed like too much of a mission after all the walking that day, and had officially written the day off as an aberration from normal life.

At one point during the day it came out that this was the second New Year's Day Mr B and I had spent in each other's company and I joked that it had become tradition now - that for years to come, no matter what happened in our lives, NYD would be aberration day... "Darling? Darling? Look after the kids today will you? I have to go and fulfil the yearly tradition of having sex with Newbie."

So here I am at work on this beautiful but freezing Saturday morning feeling slightly grubby in three day old pants. I don't feel bad - this is not me "going back" in whatever sense to the bad old Mr B days, just a break from the norm - a blast from the past. It's put me in a comfortable place, which is really nice as I haven't been feeling that happy about the whole Jack situation for the last few days.

The reason I appear to have forgotten that I am supposed to be mad about someone else (ie: Jack) is that he appears to have forgotten that he's mad about me. The texts that I had been getting up to ten times a day from him before he went away for Christmas have become less and less over the holiday period to the point where I got only one from him on NYE, which was really half-arsed and dull. I have yet to hear from him in the new decade.

Although this flagging contact has not exactly put me on top of the world, I also am not about to wail or rend my garments over it. I think this has much to do with the fact that I am currently a girl with options, so him going off me or falling in love with his best friend doesn't phase me too much. And I do NOT consider Mr B an option, by the way. Just in case you were worrying I had gone off my head. No. Date Boy... remember him? We're still in touch and he still seems pretty keen.

But who knows what will happen with Jack in 2010? Or with anything else for that matter?? Whatever does happen, I know that I'm in a good place to deal with the next exciting thing the world chooses to throw at me.

HAAAPPY NEW YEAR!!

My House

So here I am, once again, back in the house that holds so much of my personal history.

The bedroom in which I have sat for so many hours in years gone by; writing poetry and songs, wondering what I would become. Covering the huge double wardrobe in posters, postcards and pictures so that there was only a small me shaped space so that I would only face myself when I absolutely had to. Bringing people back to this space, which I never felt quite at home with, to spend time with them if there was no where else to be. And then, once I had removed my presence from it entirely and it had been redecorated completely within a very short space of time, looking for traces of when it had still been mine.

The living room, where one of my happiest experiences in my life once occurred which had to do with a Christmas tree. Where a number of the most erotic moments of my life happened in a previous existence. Where I spent hours watching unfulfilling television before finding my life's passion which turned out to be the theatre.

The landing, where the carpet still stays from when we moved into this brand new house when I was six years old.

The garden, which has stayed more or less the same since I knew it, but the surrounding area has changed from a building site to a veritable forest which is almost unrecognisable to me now.

This is all from the view point of sitting alone in the house. The minute my parents return home the place stops being a museum of past times and reverts back to being a place which is alive and vibrant with their presence. Things are as they should be. I feel safe knowing they are near.

It is not the place that is important. It is the people you love that make it what it is.

Christmas break: day one

What a lovely start to the christmas break it is too.

After a lovely lie in, doing all my ironing and curling my hair I headed off to see Farley to give her her present which I have been forgetting to bring with me for the past two weeks.

After that, off to the Bush Theatre with the Kiwi (who is becoming more grown up and normal by the month - he may be beginning his first CASUAL FLING) and Gemski, who I work with and who is awesome. We watched a great one man show by Stephan Golaszewski which made me cry like a bitch.

Fun lovely drinks afterwards in the pub across the road, followed by home time and an hour long chat with Jack on the phone and a quarter hour chat with Farley.

I go to my bed feeling at one with the world and only slightly apprehensive about heading back to Kent tomorrow. Going home always is a slightly stilted experience...

Excelling himself

"Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped."

(Elbert Hubbard)

Just when things are becoming calm on the dating front, SOMEONE has to turn up and make a total tit of himself.

Since being in a position where I have not one but two other (better) options than Mr B, he has been somewhat subdued. He has been making comments about not knowing what you have until its gone and paying extravagant compliments to yours truly on a regular basis, whilst making kicked puppy dog eyes at me whenever he gets the chance. However, despite behaviour bordering on the pathetic, he has been pretty supportive of the Jack/Date Boy situation.

Admittedly I have been slightly enjoying his discomfort as it was not so long ago that I was unceremoniously ditched for the girl he went gallivanting off to Sweden with after a week and a half of meeting her about three weeks after being in a show with me and convincing both myself and the vast majority of my friends that we were about to become a couple, which, if I'm honest, my pride still hasn't forgiven him for.

Therefore, with the shoe on the other foot, though without there having been any possibility of us ending up together for almost a year I confess to have been slightly sadistic in keeping him in the loop. In my defence though, he has claimed to want to know and offered advice at various intervals about which of the two to go for.

However, last night he outdid himself in the tosser stakes.

Four of us went to see a play at Hampstead Theatre last night - myself, he, my fit lezza friend and a 21-year-old colleague of mine who started working with me about two months ago. Fit lezza friend had a rather impressive hangover so made her excuses fairly early, but the three of us headed back to my place in Kennington to eat noodles and have some more drinks.

He had been pretty much as described above for most of the evening - telling my I was awesome, doing that thing where you tell other people about your shared experiences in a couply way ("Oh she always says that. Like the time... What did you do? Oh yes that's right she calls me this and...") and hugging me frequently. Then once we got back to mine, I got a bit sleepy on the sofa, and the 21 year old, sitting on the floor rested her head on his knee.

After a while I said I was off to bed where he said he'd join me shortly (no funny business). Some considerable time later, he had not so I went downstairs to see if he was going to and as I walked into the living room they were sat very rigidly at either ends of the sofa like they'd jumped apart. He said he might just stay downstairs after all (so as not to disturb me). Right, fine.

The next day I woke up feeling just a bit weird, having had a number of dreams about playing third wheel to the two of them, and not entirely sure how I felt about the whole thing. The thing is, I honestly don't give a crap if he pulls other people. I even don't mind if it happens to be a friend of mine. But to do so in MY FUCKING LIVING ROOM?? That is just disrespectful on an epic scale.

He came up to my room to ask for a towel, then later came up to give me a kiss goodbye. I grunted at him and curled up away from him. He told me to let him know if I wanted to grab a lift with him back to London after Christmas and headed off.

I texted Farley and my fit lezza friend about the latest development and their reactions were slightly different. Later on after a bit more sleep I called Farley and had a ranty chat about it and checked with her that I wasn't over reacting to say I thought he was being a tosser. She made the point that either he just hadn't thought about it to the point where it would have OCCURRED to him that it might be a bit weird for him to hook up with someone in my living room (which, to be honest is pretty likely, knowing how fucking clueless he is and his lack of general consideration), or he was aware that it would have to make me feel SOMETHING akin to weirdness and did it anyway, or for that very reason.

What has caught me by surprise is that yes, though I am marginally bothered by this, when it comes down to it, it has barely touched me. I've not spent all day thinking about it. I don't feel any badness towards the girl - she's young, a bit flighty, and hasn't exactly been around for the whole Mr B saga. I also made it very clear that he and I were not a couple, or even exes really as we had never been boyfriend and girlfriend. Another factor there is I am hardly in a position to judge ANYONE getting with a friend's ex, particularly at the moment...

But he is just a moron. That is my take on it and I'm sticking with it.

In better and happier news, I received a little Christmas present from Jack today - he popped into my work before heading home to "God's own county" to give me a gift, which he told me in no uncertain terms that I was NOT ALLOWED to open before the day itself. So I opened it immediately and was very pleased with the contents - two books, both silly and funny - one based on the Cyanide and Happiness comics and the other done by the same people as did the Suicide Bunny comics called Selfish Pig. He kept telling me not to get excited about it but any man who buys me presents is all right by me... especially if they make me laugh.

I don't know what will happen after the Christmas break, or in 2010 but all I know is that I feel totally different about him than I ever did about Mr B. The usual neuroses about "does he like me?" and "what if I do this?" just don't seem to be on the horizon at the moment - mostly because I feel secure in the fact that he likes me, and I know that no matter what happens in the future, he's not going to mess me about or lead me on. He seems to be a straight-forward and really honest person who has told me and SHOWN me that he likes me a lot. It leaves me safe in the knowledge that I can go home for the week or so over Christmas and not panic that he'll go off me or forget me, and there's no need for me to worry.

I haven't felt this calm in a while and it's lovely.

So is he.

:)

Decision

From: Newbie@hotmail.co.uk
To: dateboy@hotmail.com
Subject:
Date: Sun, 20 Dec 2009 19:54:50 +0000

Hi honey

I hope your weekend has been good. As I said in my text, mine has been verging on insanity...

The thing is, something happened this weekend that I really wasn't expecting - I bumped into someone who I hadn't seen for a while who I have had feelings for a long time. Until now there has always been a reason for us not to be together but that reason has removed itself and it turns out that he feels the same about me.

I cannot believe that this has happened now - meeting you and seeing him within a fortnight of each other is just crappy timing - I was so gobsmacked with you and the chemistry between us and if I had met you ANY other time I think we could have been really good together, but... If I don't see how this thing plays out with the other guy I'd always wonder and probably kick myself.

I'm gutted to have write this email to you and I'm so sorry about letting you down.

I understand if you'd rather not reply to this email or be in touch any more, but I hope you don't think too badly of me.

Love Newbie xx

***

From: dateboy@hotmail.com
To: Newbie@hotmail.co.uk
Subject: RE:
Date: Mon, 21 Dec 2009 01:17:21 +0000

Hi,

I don't know what to say.

I guess first, thank you for being up front and honest about it, I cant begrudge you anything. I certainly don't think any less of you.

Part of me wishes you well, and wishes you good luck, it sounds like something special, I understand, the other part of me remembers how I felt when I first saw you and how I feel when I'm with you, I think you felt it too, and can't believe this is the end of it.

I keep saying to myself you only met her twice, don't be so dramatic, I do not usually feel like this. Certainly not after only 2 dates, but I have always believed in being true to my heart, over everything else.

(suddenly Moulin rouge and me takes on a whole different light eh?! Soppy bugger!)

And another thought hits home, which is, that is what you are doing.

If only more people could do that.

I think the quote under my profile picture on face book says it all really

"He who binds himself to joy doth the winged life destroy but he who kisses the joy as it flies lives in eternity's sunrise"

I Understand If YOU don't want to reply to this email, or not be in touch, I understand how things can be awkward, I've been there a plenty, but know this, I'll always be glad to see you, get a random message or a text from you. Meet for a drink or something but I'll leave that up to you. I'd be worried about coming across as predatory. Don't feel obliged.

And hey! I wish you the best, but If things don't pan out as you'd like with the other guy, please don't hesitate or feel awkward and just call me!!!

Take care beautiful, and don't change for anything!

Love Date Boy,

x x x

Date night

It occurs to me how easy it must be to cheat on someone in London if you so wish. It's such a huge anonymous place and most people tend to hang out around the same areas so would be easily avoided to carry on a clandestine affair*.

Don't worry, I'm not about to start running around town being a harlot but that's sort of what it felt like last night going out last night with Date Boy. I felt like I was cheating on the Inappropriate One, who, having read back a bit, I realise I have already written about a bit and christened Jack.

The more time I spend with Jack the more amazing I think he is. There have even been a couple of unguarded moments when I've felt a strong urge to tell him I love him - obviously I DON'T... even I can see this for the sheer unadulterated lust that comes with attempting to behave myself, but that's the strength of feeling he inspires in me. I just want to be near him all the time - he's such a positive presence in my life and makes me feel fantastic, without needing to do anything. Blah blah blah bleurgh...

But anyway, last night was my scientific experiment with Date Boy to see if it's true, how I feel about Jack, or if I'm still mid flit. And I did my best; I spent the whole evening with Date Boy and I even kissed him a bit (god, such a hard life...) but each time I got closer to him I felt... well... not right. Like he was really sweet and nice and complimentary and if I had met him at a different point things would probably be extremely different in my head but the fact is that Jack is well and firmly lodged into it and doesn't seem to be going anywhere, even when confronted with a very cute, incredibly nice man who seems to like me a lot.

Helpfully, in reading back over past blogs I found a quote that I wrote that Tamsin Greig uttered once in an interview about her real life which went "If you have two paths ahead of you, and one looks completely impossible... that's probably the path you should take." Which seems rather apt today.

If I were to go with Date Boy then there would be no resistance to go up against anywhere. He's brand new, he's very personable and would probably be approved of by friends and family alike. He would probably slot easily into my life during this down time between shows so that when things get crazy again he'd be established. If things fizzle out, I still have all my friends intact and would lose someone who has not long been a part of my life, and there's not reason to believe that Jack wouldn't still be on the scene to see what happens there.

If I go with Jack I first have to figure out a way to tell my friend that I like him, that I think he likes me and I'm sorry for going for her ex so soon after they broke up. Then it has to become known within our friend group, some of whom will probably not approve of my behaviour and I might lose some people and be less welcome in a group that I feel very at home in and is important to me. After this all happens it might all still fizzle out and I will have alienated people for no reason and could lose this man as a friend - in which capacity he has become incredibly important to me. I would also have blown off a brilliant guy who I've met twice and will probably not be interested if I attempt to crawl back.

So one of those options certainly looks trickier than the other, if not impossible.

Who am I to disregard the advice of the Goddess Tamsin Greig?

*Having said that, guess who turned up at the bar we were at on this date last night? Mr B! So maybe not that easy after all...

Buses

Things have been interesting recently.

It has happened before, and has been well documented (well, maybe not WELL) in this very blog that I tend to have long dry spells in the men department but every two years or so having two amazing, brilliant men turn up at once.

I have been stuck in the Mr B rut for far too long, mostly because there was nothing else on the horizon. Then earlier this year I developed an unhelpful and inappropriate crush on a guy I was in a play with, who also happened to be seeing my friend. To counter this I saw less of him and more of Mr B. Then about a month ago the inappropriate crush and my frie

nd split up. My mind went doolally.

We started seeing more of each other but still danced around the subject of how things were between us as it was still early early days. But we just got along SO well. Then he went a bit quiet for a few days and in a fit of pique I arranged a date with a man from a dating website. I never expected it to go well. But it did - extraordinarily so. And so inappropriate boy was removed from my head.

All was well until we hung out last Friday. The inappropriate one and I, we went on an outing to Crystal Palace to see the dinosaurs (as he is a full on dino geek)

and went for a lovely ramble about the park and then hunkered down in a cosy pub near London Bridge as the day began to get darker. We got to talking around the subject of the two of us closer than we

had before and talked about relationships and sex and everything. Just before we had to leave I became aware that he was very close to me. I was looking down. I realised that if I

looked up he might kiss me. So

I did. It was electric - I knew he wanted to but he was still unsure... so I tilted my head slightly. He kissed me.

I had wondered before, whether I physically fancied this guy. We had always got along ridiculously well but there had not really been any moments where I had had an overwhelming desire to kiss him or touch him (apart from one drunken time when he was in my bed and my whole self was dying to reach over and hug him), so I had begun to question whether that meant I might not fancy him in that way after all. Especially after the evening with Internet Date Boy when the physical chemistry was so strong and I felt drawn t

o him the whole evening.

But when Inappropriate Boy kissed me... oh my god. After months and months of build up and hours and hours that day of what could easily have constituted foreplay

(the occasional touch of the hand, the contrived hug) when lip actually touched lip it blew me away. And since then it's all I can do to not touch him all the time. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

I broke off from the kiss all hot and bothered and said something along the lines of it being awesome but the timing being pants - "you broke up with my friend a nano-second ago and I have a date tomorrow!" and I explained that I had thought it would be easier with Date Boy on the scene - have a fling with him first then see what happened with Inappropriate Boy in the new year when he wasn't quite so inappropriate. He said that I should probably do that then - it was a good idea and I had said that I fancied the two people at once thing so maybe I should see how things go with Date Boy and the two of us should just write off 2009 and be good until next year. But he asked that I didn't tell him anything about Date Boy as every time I had mentioned him previously it had been horrible - broken a little bit of his heart type thing.

That night we met up as planned for a group outing around Clapham and had lots of fun. We were very well behaved for the most part except I just wanted to touch him constantly so there were little brushes going by and pinky-linking going on... until the theatre contingent (who are friends with my friend - his ex... wow, that makes me sound GREAT) went home... then it got a little snoggy. He ended up back at my flat but behaviour was almost irreproachable. Almost. And very VERY difficult it was too. *gnashes teeth*

My instinct since then has been to not follow things up with Date Boy - the way the Inappropriate one makes me feel is just... extraordinary. He popped over for an hour or so on Sunday and

we just sat and watched a couple of short films on the sofa together, sitting slightly closer together than we normally would but no funny business, before I headed off to Mr B's for a steak eating evening. Upon leaving him to get on the tube, I sat there listening to my ipod just feeling my heart expanding in my chest - it felt like it was soaring with how happy he had made me feel.

He had the same effect when he called me tipsily and giggly later on that evening and was being so silly I asked him what I was letting myself in for. The (four point) answer is still making me smile today:

1. I will learn that what I previously thought of as cool is in fact UN-cool and all the uncool things I will learn are actually very cool.

2. An "astonishing level of pedantry".

3. Geeker

y beyond belief.

4. Good rude things (hopefully).

We also hung out last night with a couple of my work friends. I left him looking very snug in my bed after another night of PURE TORTURE. This trying to be good malarky is really fucking difficult.

But according to ALL of the people I have run this past I MUST NOT DITCH DATE BOY. So in accordance with their wishes I am booked in for another date with him tomorrow. They have made good and cogent points - like, how often do you have a first date like that one? And it would be better for EVERYONE if the Inappropriate thing doesn't happen now. It's just too soon for my friend's feelings and I need to speak to her about it before anything really properly happens. Which is a conversation that I'm really looking forward to but cannot deal with before xmas, and anyway the break away from both boys (if Date Boy is still on the scene then) gives me a chance to talk it all through and chill the fuck out about it all.

But honestly though - sod's law - whatever you want to call it - of course I want the one I shouldn't have more than the one I can have. But the Inappropriate one is in so

much more regular contact that it's easy to put him first in my brain - for example, the other day he text me a line from the Columbo episode he was watching...

Brain ache. I'll probably write a post after tomorrow saying how obsessed I am by the other one instead.

Why are they like buses? Whyyyyy???