In my infinite naval gazing of the last few days I have been thorough in attempting to analyse myself with little or no qualifications whatsoever. And I have discovered a pattern in my relationshippy behaviour! Well, two if you count the one that I was whinging about the other day.
This is how the story goes. When patient A (me) was a wee nipper of about 17, she met a man whilst going out with a boy. The boy was a friend before he was a boyfriend, and took great pride in the fact that he was very very unassertive when it came to dealing with girls. In fact he took pride in the fact that he had never asked a girl out… they had always ended up asking him (out of sheer boredom if Patient A was anything to go by). While bumbling along cluelessly with the boy Patient A, as I have said met a man.
The man was extremely confident, bordering on arrogant but with a great deal of charm. He was bold, opinionated, open, argumentative, talented, complimentary, unreliable – what some would call a larger than life character. He sought the limelight and revelled in being the centre of attention.
This man, over time had an enormous effect on said patient. Having never been pursued before in any noticeable way (unless you count kiss chase at Scouts) it was shocking to have someone be obvious about their attraction to her (for it was a she). It took two months for the flirtation to develop and another two for Patient A to allow this man to kiss her. Another month before agreeing to meet this man socially (in which time he convinced her the meeting would be platonic) and another three before his persistence paid off ad the kissing became a regular occurrence. Many more months again before the relationship was consummated. The boy became a thing of the past shortly after the regular kissing began (to Patient A’s shame).
The short version of the relationship with the man is that over the four years it lasted Patient A fell madly, breathlessly and hopelessly in love which was euphoric, then slowly but painfully had her heart broken. She was by no means blameless in the affair and did a fair bit of breaking herself but c’est la vie.
After a long and painful recuperation Patient A’s subsequent relationship developed with a new boy (boy 2 - unconnected with the first). This boy could not have been more opposed to the man – he was quiet, reserved, unassuming, brooding and shy. The Patient initiated this relationship under the impression she could help draw him out from his shell. This was not successful, but she did manage to become completely dependent on trying to gain his approval, which he rarely, if ever, gave.
After realising the damage this was doing, Patient A attached herself to another individual, a man (man 2) who was incredibly damaged, much like she was due to the previous situation (with boy 2). This man was loud, outgoing, flighty, unreliable, and a welcome distraction from the crap that had been happening with the Patient. Having done her best to fix him, she sent him packing to Australia to cure him of a previous unhealthy relationship, after two months of residence there he declared his undying love for her.
Upon the departure of man 2, boy 2 asked to be allowed to stand in for man 2 which he did for a short while. Patient A upped and left town about two months later to start a new life. Six months after doing so, boy 2 also decided that he had feelings for here and informed her of this on a visit. She was not impressed.
After a long stretch of time where there were no men or boys of note (thank Christ), along came an alien being. It was hairy and resembled none of the above – Patient A had a short but fulfilling proper relationship with the alien and broke the cycle for a glorious 9 months or so. Then the alien’s worrying and Patient A’s neurosis put paid to the aberration and back we trotted to the pattern.
Along came boy 3. Another dark, mysterious, reserved, shy being who the Patient was certain she could bring out of his shell, safe in the knowledge that he was another being who couldn’t, or wouldn’t express himself in any real emotional way and took pride in never having been assertive enough to begin a relationship – claiming that the women he had been involved with had usually been forced to “jump him”.
In amongst this sorry list of men and boys are the unsung heroes – those who have bothered to pursue Newb… er… Patient A. The problem with this appears to be that any keenness on their part tends to be taken as a Very Dangerous Thing, and instantly makes the patient run like the wind in the opposite direction. Personally I have analysed this to mean that it is all the first man’s fault and if he hadn’t ended up being such a cock monkey, I’d be blogging about some other theory created by cod psychology instead.
So! In conclusion: I seem to go for emotionally stunted boys who will never give me the attention or approval I want or need in the ill-begotten impression that these are the creatures that will do me the least damage. Because if I were to have a relationship with a man who pursued me and complimented me and made me believe that I was important to him it would hurt far far more to leave or be left when it all (inevitably) went tits up.
Now what the fuck do I do with this realisation?
This is how the story goes. When patient A (me) was a wee nipper of about 17, she met a man whilst going out with a boy. The boy was a friend before he was a boyfriend, and took great pride in the fact that he was very very unassertive when it came to dealing with girls. In fact he took pride in the fact that he had never asked a girl out… they had always ended up asking him (out of sheer boredom if Patient A was anything to go by). While bumbling along cluelessly with the boy Patient A, as I have said met a man.
The man was extremely confident, bordering on arrogant but with a great deal of charm. He was bold, opinionated, open, argumentative, talented, complimentary, unreliable – what some would call a larger than life character. He sought the limelight and revelled in being the centre of attention.
This man, over time had an enormous effect on said patient. Having never been pursued before in any noticeable way (unless you count kiss chase at Scouts) it was shocking to have someone be obvious about their attraction to her (for it was a she). It took two months for the flirtation to develop and another two for Patient A to allow this man to kiss her. Another month before agreeing to meet this man socially (in which time he convinced her the meeting would be platonic) and another three before his persistence paid off ad the kissing became a regular occurrence. Many more months again before the relationship was consummated. The boy became a thing of the past shortly after the regular kissing began (to Patient A’s shame).
The short version of the relationship with the man is that over the four years it lasted Patient A fell madly, breathlessly and hopelessly in love which was euphoric, then slowly but painfully had her heart broken. She was by no means blameless in the affair and did a fair bit of breaking herself but c’est la vie.
After a long and painful recuperation Patient A’s subsequent relationship developed with a new boy (boy 2 - unconnected with the first). This boy could not have been more opposed to the man – he was quiet, reserved, unassuming, brooding and shy. The Patient initiated this relationship under the impression she could help draw him out from his shell. This was not successful, but she did manage to become completely dependent on trying to gain his approval, which he rarely, if ever, gave.
After realising the damage this was doing, Patient A attached herself to another individual, a man (man 2) who was incredibly damaged, much like she was due to the previous situation (with boy 2). This man was loud, outgoing, flighty, unreliable, and a welcome distraction from the crap that had been happening with the Patient. Having done her best to fix him, she sent him packing to Australia to cure him of a previous unhealthy relationship, after two months of residence there he declared his undying love for her.
Upon the departure of man 2, boy 2 asked to be allowed to stand in for man 2 which he did for a short while. Patient A upped and left town about two months later to start a new life. Six months after doing so, boy 2 also decided that he had feelings for here and informed her of this on a visit. She was not impressed.
After a long stretch of time where there were no men or boys of note (thank Christ), along came an alien being. It was hairy and resembled none of the above – Patient A had a short but fulfilling proper relationship with the alien and broke the cycle for a glorious 9 months or so. Then the alien’s worrying and Patient A’s neurosis put paid to the aberration and back we trotted to the pattern.
Along came boy 3. Another dark, mysterious, reserved, shy being who the Patient was certain she could bring out of his shell, safe in the knowledge that he was another being who couldn’t, or wouldn’t express himself in any real emotional way and took pride in never having been assertive enough to begin a relationship – claiming that the women he had been involved with had usually been forced to “jump him”.
In amongst this sorry list of men and boys are the unsung heroes – those who have bothered to pursue Newb… er… Patient A. The problem with this appears to be that any keenness on their part tends to be taken as a Very Dangerous Thing, and instantly makes the patient run like the wind in the opposite direction. Personally I have analysed this to mean that it is all the first man’s fault and if he hadn’t ended up being such a cock monkey, I’d be blogging about some other theory created by cod psychology instead.
So! In conclusion: I seem to go for emotionally stunted boys who will never give me the attention or approval I want or need in the ill-begotten impression that these are the creatures that will do me the least damage. Because if I were to have a relationship with a man who pursued me and complimented me and made me believe that I was important to him it would hurt far far more to leave or be left when it all (inevitably) went tits up.
Now what the fuck do I do with this realisation?
6 comments:
take up knitting?
It's a thought...
Sounds like you need to give the Confident boy a try. You've got to open yourself up to being hurt again. Thats hard, but you are missing out in the long run!
OK, you know in films where the man relentlessly pursues the woman, constantly asking her out, bringing her flowers and waiting patiently in the wings (not shagging or pursuing anyone else) while aforementioned lady takes time in her decision?
I watch those films and I think "sssiiggghhh, it's so romantic. I wish a man would be so romantic and wonderful and pursue me like that." And then I realise that if someone in real life was that audacious and brazen, I would NEVER be attracted to them.
This is because, as soon as I am openly pursued, I think one of two things:
1) This guy is too keen and needs to get a life. I have no respect for him.
2) This guy is blatantly pursuing a million other girls simultaneously also, and will never make me feel special. I will never be able to trust him and he will hurt me.
This doesn't mean that effort from the man is immediately a no-no, but that brazen pursuing of a lady is not necessarily a good thing. Then again, neither is never making any effort, having everything handed to him on a plate, and being proud of that fact. Thats stinky too.
What a predicament. I think just acknowledging these facts will help make you more aware and help you to understand your feelings better. Maybe with that you can go into relationships with a more open mind. Admitting it is half the battle right? Now... What to do about Mr. B...
Good Luck.
C
Great advice from all - I think it was quite telling that after writing this post I had a decent night's sleep for the first time in about a week.
My plan was to take heart from the Weasel's approach (though not so much the knitting) with Flatmate and just be honest about how I've been feeling this week but expect nothing more than the friendship we already have in return. Honesty the best policy?
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