All Cleared Up

How to start this post now???

All went as expected (yup, no suspense here chaps!), he told me that he loved me, but wasn't in love with me, that he was petrified of losing me, that he'd be devastated when I got a boyfriend, but he didn't think we should be together. And it was all surprisingly painless.

The build up to that moment was bloody horrible though! The butterflies, the head spinning, the dread all made the waiting to talk to him the least fun I've had this year but it also served to boost the feeling of relief once it was out there and the feeling of pride that I now have for being strong enough and brave enough to actually talk to him. Let alone for sticking to my guns and not being swayed by anything he said in insisting that he should leave me alone for at least three months before getting in touch with me again. Enough time to move on and ensure he's out of my head (in that way) for good.

So all those betting on him kissing me were way off! But that was never really likely to happen (hence it's placing among the unlikely outcomes), as Mr B has always insisted that he is a classic bumbling Mr Nice Guy. No Machiavellian tactics for him, he tends to fall in and out of situations worrying what about what he's doing rather than thinking about how he's making people feel. Sort of in a bubble. He did look like he was about to cry though when I told him he had to not contact me for a while. And I actually had fun bollocking him for his behaviour last week - I said that if he was still seeing this girl (which he is) it was a really shitty thing to have done. He looked sheepish and said he was trying not to think about that bit of it - I told him that he should be, as that behaviour was beneath him and I had thought he was better than that.

And so the dust is settling and the calm returns to my brain. We stayed out drinking until about 3am after having a big talk - he walked me to my bus stop and waited with me til the bus arrived before going his separate way. He still wants to write with me in the future and I think we could make quite a good creative team but I'm staying well away from him until at least my birthday in May. Let the dust settle properly and not bog me down in my new project of breaking this relationship pattern.

Phase one is already on it's way to fruition - a date has been arranged for Sunday with Blondy (whose name we are now slightly more sure of but keep forgetting), who's keenness has not abated - I left a six hour long gap between texts from me (mostly due to work but would have left at least an hour anyway) and he left about two minutes max for his replies. It's sort of refreshing for the moment, so I'm making the most of it, though I'm not sure that level of interest should be sustainable - it's the kind of thing that might annoy me rather speedily. What the hell, it's the complete opposite to what I'm used to which is the entire point.

Hurray for being brave, and being honest, and moving on. I feel a million times better already.