How to start a conversation which will finish something for good or begin something anew?
With questions or with what you're thinking? With what has triggered your need for the conversation or with the talk itself?
Wednesday night's shenanigans have put me in a right old tizz about that stupid boy. He has well and truly wormed his way back into my head, and the fact that he's back in there again has shown me how well I was doing at making him go away previously, which is not a little annoying.
The problem I think stems from all of the clear reasoning I had for moving on and forgetting about him has been removed by him this week. I had to just get over it - he was with someone else. He was clearly nutty about this girl as he was running off with her to Sweden after a minute and a half. I had had my faff about this sudden turn of events and then put it to rest in my head - he was part of a pattern, so it was just a case of breaking the pattern and the next relationship would be fine. Closure. Easy.
Then he bloody turns up, tells me all lovely things, that I'm the best this and that and the other and we have an amazing time. Then he goes out with this other girl a couple of days later. I have no idea what Wednesday means to him - whether it was one for the road, whether it was just because he hadn't got any action for a while, whether he wanted for things to back to how they were before, whether he wanted... gah... anything at all. So now I'm analysing and over thinking and obsessing about what it all means (jesus, I'm such a bloody girl). I take different viewpoints from friends that confuse me all the more - I can't make up my mind whether he gives a shit AT ALL or whether he's mad about me. Yeah right.
Having sworn I'd not text him and I'd leave him alone I've text him at least twice every day this week. Well done Newbie, another win for will power. I told him off for making me think again and he asked if I wanted to have a chat about it. I said I didn't know whether it was a chatting sort of thing or a thinking it out type thing. He said he understood and was bloody lovely about it. What an arse! The next day I am persuaded by certain members of my coven to arrange to talk to him. I do so, my tummy butterflies having some sort of rave whilst I do it. Hell, they're still going right now. We'll be talking tomorrow after I finish work at 9pm.
The great thing to come from all of this neuroses is that I am now aware (Finally! some of my circle might... well, HAVE said) that I am finished and over doing the casual thing. With him or with anyone else. It was fun while it lasted but I am no longer in the market for this type of thing. I would like to find something that goes deeper emotionally. Where you don't have to keep a check on your feelings in case you should behave inappropriately, but you can let your heart be free (as young hearts should be, I'm told) to fall madly or break horribly or soar amazingly. I would like a relationship. It's even a bit scary for me to write that down but I have to get used to it as it is the truth. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me. And that is ok for me to want.
Now whether that comes from his general direction or if I look for it elsewhere is something I need to know and I need to know it fast. This is why my head is spinning - I know what I want but I don't know how to go about getting it - I'm being pulled in two opposite directions.
On the one hand there is Mr B. We clearly have a connection and we have a great time with each other. I don't think that he wants a relationship with me (though I would concede that he might want a relationship with someone) but I have never actually asked the question. Some friends think that his actions on Wednesday indicate that he DOES want me in that way, others don't, and one wise person in particular (Farley) has bollocked me for taking into account what other people think and has told me in no uncertain terms to stop fannying about and just talk to him.
On the other hand there is a new guy - let's call him Blondy (seeing as how we are currently unsure about his actual name...). Met him on Friday evening when out with my old housemate at the Bedford - after she had already spent a good 40 minutes snogging the face off of some chap, whilst leaving me to stare out at the dance floor, feeling rather small and green. At one point I thought sod this and headed to the bar to see if I could drown my gooseberry-ness and bumped into this chap on the way there. We chatted briefly, I went up to the bar and ordered and he came over asking to chat to me some more and offering to buy me my drink.
The short version of this story is that he was rather impressed by me (suspiciously so, I thought) to the point where by the end of the evening he was begging me for my number, and begging me to let him take me out. He thought I was the best thing since sliced bread, and it weirded me out.
But then I remembered the pattern - he WAS all the things that I have avoided - confident, articulate, not backwards in coming forwards... so I gave him my number. I also told him the truth about some "unfinished business" I was trying to sort out so at least he knows where he stands. He text me the next day asking me to go out with him today - I couldn't due to a work outing so he replied asking "How about mon/tues/wed this week?" He wins hands down on keenness. So maybe I could give him a whirl... the only thing is, he couldn't be further from the look of guys that I'm attracted to - blond, clean shaven, muscly and works for the Ministry of Defence. Not at all like a tramp... would I be able to fancy him?
And before his star even begins to ascend there is the "unfinished business". So the results of tomorrow's Chat will be one of the following. Possibly.
1. Mr B sweetly tells me that I am his great friend and he has no desire to try and develop whatever it is we've been farting about with for the last ten months or so. He asks to stay friends and I tell him to give it three months or so before calling me to let my brain get to the same place. I then get in touch with Blondy and arrange a date to break the pattern and get back on the horse (so to speak).
2. I actually listen to what Mr B has to say instead of just bulldozing him with my opinions and analysis of the situation. Then he does either 1. or 3.
3. He tells me he wouldn't mind seeing where is could go between us. THIS IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
I can't think of any more likely ones. Some UNlikely ones could be:
1. When I inform him of my new found realisation he runs screaming from the bar and throws himself in the Thames.
2. He declares his undying love for me and goes down on bended knee.
3. He stares at me in horror, all agog when I start talking to him and only recovers when I leave and throw myself in the Thames.
4. He kisses me.
Anyone want to put odd on this? Which one do we reckon it'll be?
Sunday, 22 February 2009
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6 comments:
I think he'll *try* and kiss you and you should reject his evil advances ;)
Blondy sounds nice - just because he's different, it doesn't mean bad. Why don't you give it a go... you never know, clean-shaven could be the way forward!
Good luck.
Frankly, I don't think Mr B is a stayer. Not much loyalty to his girlfriend if one innocent evening out with you turned into making a night of it. I wonder what he told her and how she took it. I'm also the more sure that the Kiwi's girlfriend is wary of the effect you might have on him and maybe he was too, and that's why she didn't want you to have an intimate chat together.
In short, you're obviously lovely, charming and have great appeal to nice men, but you're not giving out the messages you now realise you want to. If you're after a good close friendship with a bloke you might do better not to have sex with him from the start. He's bound to start thinking of you as someone who doesn't expect or want any sort of commitment from him - a good mate who flatteringly wants to have intimate chats with him and puts out into the bargain but doesn't mind him having a real girlfriend too.
I'd love it if you listen to what Mr B has to say, but I suspect he'll want you to speak first as it'll save him from having to explain himself with no prompting from you. He want clues to react to as that lets him off the hook. He's not behaved well, you know.
Goodness!
Nutty: Hello and welcome! I've been reading your blog a bit and you're a fab writer - sorry you're going through a tough time atm and hope you come out the other side smiling xx
Z: You don't half make me think lady! I feel like I should defend Mr B a little bit though I think overall you're right about his behaviour. Firstly, this girl was not his girlfriend - they just started dating a couple of weeks ago so it hadn't got to being that serious. In fact she had told him that she wasn't interested in a relationship as she had just got out of one... what that means about him coming running back to me I don't know, but it leaves me with a nasty taste in my mouth - like it could all go back to how it was before like nothing had happened.
So his loyalty to me is obviously lacking but to her - I'm not sure that she wanted any.
With regard to the Kiwi, our relationship has always been totally cut and dried - when we went out that was one thing - we have never ever crossed a single boundary since breaking up, not even kissing.
Want to write more but have to work! Back later...
I talk tough to you sweetie - but that's a compliment, I hope you realise
I'm really trying to think of something that will help, Newbie. I always go into the "talk" with the worst case scenerio in my head. I can't say that, that has ever actually helped. As you know I'm sort of a nut bag. I really hope that your little chat will bring some clarity and that you don't end up in the Thames!-V
P.S. I think he'll move in for a smooch.
Im usually one for giving someone a second chance, but then thats it. So i guess thats my advice. Listen to him and if he asks for it tell him that you are giving him a 2nd chance, but be honest with him and tell him how you feel, if you want more than you have to go for it as much as he does, otherwise you are the one making him confused!
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