BACK!!

"Secretly falling apart."

(Aqualung)

Well, it's been an age quite frankly.

I've been far away for many reasons. Some of which have been about me getting a bit disillusioned with this writing malarky, getting tired of writing the same story again and again (about Mr B). Also had a bit more to do with me having a dreaded life and being in two plays at once and having NO time whatsoever to do anything apart from cram lines into my head, and rehearse.

In the time I have been absent, I've done many things. I've deleted Mr B for starters and have him grovelling at the door to be let back in, in any capacity. I have two parts in two plays - one in a Dario Fo farce which mostly entails me yelping and pretending to be in labour (though really my belly is made of shopping) and the other is extraordinarily exciting as it's what's known as a "two hander" - me and one other girl as the whole cast. Which means loads to work on, loads of lines to learn but a massive challenge and loads to learn.

In the complications which make life interesting, I've managed to come up with a new one for the Newbie. In the first show I mentioned there is a cast of five. Three guys, two girls and we've been rehearsing for almost three months. We all get on really rather well, apart from some bitchiness from one of the less secure guys.

The way that it always works when you're in any play is this; you rehearse for almost three months, more and more rehearsals as you go on, so more time that you spend together as time goes on. As a cast, you tend to get closer and closer and by show week you are absolutely popping with chemistry which means the show is better. Because what you're essentially doing throughout the rehearsal process is learning how to communicate better with each other and breaking down your inhibitions with each other so that you can perform best as a team. Which also tends to play out in the socialising - you tend to go out for drinks more after evenings spent rehearsing and you get to know each other in quite an intensive time period.

This is fertile ground for crushes, relationships and affairs to begin. It's rare for a show to go ahead without something coming of it - for example, I met the Kiwi as he filmed the first show I did at this particular theatre group and met Mr B as a fellow actor in an Antony Minghella rehearsed reading.

And now I find myself in that spongy fertile green land once more. Having deleted Mr B from my phone, life and email I find myself irresistibly drawn to a man I am performing alongside. Despite the fact he is an ordinary looking chap, with none of the long hair and beardiness that often floats my boat, he has a personality that warms me to my core. He is generously funny, extraordinarily clever and marvellous company. He is also the boyfriend of a good friend of mine.

My logic is calling over this madness. I KNOW that in one weeks time he'll be out of sight and hopefully within a couple of weeks, out of mind. I KNOW that I am being a silly sausage and the fact that I love my friend, his girlfriend, dearly means that I will be on my best behaviour at all times. But that's not to say that the madness isn't leaving me happily alone to get over it.

Being a mega friendly chap to everyone, already blurs my hypersensitive boundaries. He pays me compliments which stick in my head more than they should. His reaction when he came to my flat (with others) last week was firstly "Your DVDs are in alphabetical order!! I love you!", and later just normal and eating pasta, at 4am. I hate myself.

Tonight we ended up going out drinking. There were four to start with which dwindled after dinner, and ended up the two of us going on then back to my place and chatting and laughing for some hours over him wearing my smart clothes to see if he could get away without going home (he couldn't) and at drunken youtube videos of him from a couple of years ago.

It's all entirely platonic. I know I only have to deal with this for a week. But my GOD it's hard. In a great way, which is I have met someone who I have a huge respect for and only a small part of it is me fancying him. The rest of it is just being blown away at how great this person is and how he is enhancing my days at present. Will power has never been my strong point but then I am not the girl who messes about with her friends.

It would just be easier if it weren't so easy to see what I want to see in his words and actions.

One week Ang. One week.