All Cleared Up

How to start this post now???

All went as expected (yup, no suspense here chaps!), he told me that he loved me, but wasn't in love with me, that he was petrified of losing me, that he'd be devastated when I got a boyfriend, but he didn't think we should be together. And it was all surprisingly painless.

The build up to that moment was bloody horrible though! The butterflies, the head spinning, the dread all made the waiting to talk to him the least fun I've had this year but it also served to boost the feeling of relief once it was out there and the feeling of pride that I now have for being strong enough and brave enough to actually talk to him. Let alone for sticking to my guns and not being swayed by anything he said in insisting that he should leave me alone for at least three months before getting in touch with me again. Enough time to move on and ensure he's out of my head (in that way) for good.

So all those betting on him kissing me were way off! But that was never really likely to happen (hence it's placing among the unlikely outcomes), as Mr B has always insisted that he is a classic bumbling Mr Nice Guy. No Machiavellian tactics for him, he tends to fall in and out of situations worrying what about what he's doing rather than thinking about how he's making people feel. Sort of in a bubble. He did look like he was about to cry though when I told him he had to not contact me for a while. And I actually had fun bollocking him for his behaviour last week - I said that if he was still seeing this girl (which he is) it was a really shitty thing to have done. He looked sheepish and said he was trying not to think about that bit of it - I told him that he should be, as that behaviour was beneath him and I had thought he was better than that.

And so the dust is settling and the calm returns to my brain. We stayed out drinking until about 3am after having a big talk - he walked me to my bus stop and waited with me til the bus arrived before going his separate way. He still wants to write with me in the future and I think we could make quite a good creative team but I'm staying well away from him until at least my birthday in May. Let the dust settle properly and not bog me down in my new project of breaking this relationship pattern.

Phase one is already on it's way to fruition - a date has been arranged for Sunday with Blondy (whose name we are now slightly more sure of but keep forgetting), who's keenness has not abated - I left a six hour long gap between texts from me (mostly due to work but would have left at least an hour anyway) and he left about two minutes max for his replies. It's sort of refreshing for the moment, so I'm making the most of it, though I'm not sure that level of interest should be sustainable - it's the kind of thing that might annoy me rather speedily. What the hell, it's the complete opposite to what I'm used to which is the entire point.

Hurray for being brave, and being honest, and moving on. I feel a million times better already.

Prologue to The Chat

How to start a conversation which will finish something for good or begin something anew?

With questions or with what you're thinking? With what has triggered your need for the conversation or with the talk itself?

Wednesday night's shenanigans have put me in a right old tizz about that stupid boy. He has well and truly wormed his way back into my head, and the fact that he's back in there again has shown me how well I was doing at making him go away previously, which is not a little annoying.

The problem I think stems from all of the clear reasoning I had for moving on and forgetting about him has been removed by him this week. I had to just get over it - he was with someone else. He was clearly nutty about this girl as he was running off with her to Sweden after a minute and a half. I had had my faff about this sudden turn of events and then put it to rest in my head - he was part of a pattern, so it was just a case of breaking the pattern and the next relationship would be fine. Closure. Easy.

Then he bloody turns up, tells me all lovely things, that I'm the best this and that and the other and we have an amazing time. Then he goes out with this other girl a couple of days later. I have no idea what Wednesday means to him - whether it was one for the road, whether it was just because he hadn't got any action for a while, whether he wanted for things to back to how they were before, whether he wanted... gah... anything at all. So now I'm analysing and over thinking and obsessing about what it all means (jesus, I'm such a bloody girl). I take different viewpoints from friends that confuse me all the more - I can't make up my mind whether he gives a shit AT ALL or whether he's mad about me. Yeah right.

Having sworn I'd not text him and I'd leave him alone I've text him at least twice every day this week. Well done Newbie, another win for will power. I told him off for making me think again and he asked if I wanted to have a chat about it. I said I didn't know whether it was a chatting sort of thing or a thinking it out type thing. He said he understood and was bloody lovely about it. What an arse! The next day I am persuaded by certain members of my coven to arrange to talk to him. I do so, my tummy butterflies having some sort of rave whilst I do it. Hell, they're still going right now. We'll be talking tomorrow after I finish work at 9pm.

The great thing to come from all of this neuroses is that I am now aware (Finally! some of my circle might... well, HAVE said) that I am finished and over doing the casual thing. With him or with anyone else. It was fun while it lasted but I am no longer in the market for this type of thing. I would like to find something that goes deeper emotionally. Where you don't have to keep a check on your feelings in case you should behave inappropriately, but you can let your heart be free (as young hearts should be, I'm told) to fall madly or break horribly or soar amazingly. I would like a relationship. It's even a bit scary for me to write that down but I have to get used to it as it is the truth. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me. And that is ok for me to want.

Now whether that comes from his general direction or if I look for it elsewhere is something I need to know and I need to know it fast. This is why my head is spinning - I know what I want but I don't know how to go about getting it - I'm being pulled in two opposite directions.

On the one hand there is Mr B. We clearly have a connection and we have a great time with each other. I don't think that he wants a relationship with me (though I would concede that he might want a relationship with someone) but I have never actually asked the question. Some friends think that his actions on Wednesday indicate that he DOES want me in that way, others don't, and one wise person in particular (Farley) has bollocked me for taking into account what other people think and has told me in no uncertain terms to stop fannying about and just talk to him.

On the other hand there is a new guy - let's call him Blondy (seeing as how we are currently unsure about his actual name...). Met him on Friday evening when out with my old housemate at the Bedford - after she had already spent a good 40 minutes snogging the face off of some chap, whilst leaving me to stare out at the dance floor, feeling rather small and green. At one point I thought sod this and headed to the bar to see if I could drown my gooseberry-ness and bumped into this chap on the way there. We chatted briefly, I went up to the bar and ordered and he came over asking to chat to me some more and offering to buy me my drink.
The short version of this story is that he was rather impressed by me (suspiciously so, I thought) to the point where by the end of the evening he was begging me for my number, and begging me to let him take me out. He thought I was the best thing since sliced bread, and it weirded me out.

But then I remembered the pattern - he WAS all the things that I have avoided - confident, articulate, not backwards in coming forwards... so I gave him my number. I also told him the truth about some "unfinished business" I was trying to sort out so at least he knows where he stands. He text me the next day asking me to go out with him today - I couldn't due to a work outing so he replied asking "How about mon/tues/wed this week?" He wins hands down on keenness. So maybe I could give him a whirl... the only thing is, he couldn't be further from the look of guys that I'm attracted to - blond, clean shaven, muscly and works for the Ministry of Defence. Not at all like a tramp... would I be able to fancy him?

And before his star even begins to ascend there is the "unfinished business". So the results of tomorrow's Chat will be one of the following. Possibly.

1. Mr B sweetly tells me that I am his great friend and he has no desire to try and develop whatever it is we've been farting about with for the last ten months or so. He asks to stay friends and I tell him to give it three months or so before calling me to let my brain get to the same place. I then get in touch with Blondy and arrange a date to break the pattern and get back on the horse (so to speak).
2. I actually listen to what Mr B has to say instead of just bulldozing him with my opinions and analysis of the situation. Then he does either 1. or 3.
3. He tells me he wouldn't mind seeing where is could go between us. THIS IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

I can't think of any more likely ones. Some UNlikely ones could be:
1. When I inform him of my new found realisation he runs screaming from the bar and throws himself in the Thames.
2. He declares his undying love for me and goes down on bended knee.
3. He stares at me in horror, all agog when I start talking to him and only recovers when I leave and throw myself in the Thames.
4. He kisses me.

Anyone want to put odd on this? Which one do we reckon it'll be?

Oops

Apparently the Newbie has no will power, and flattery WILL in fact get you everywhere. Well, to Balham. To a bedroom in Balham. Damn it!

It seems like an age since I last wrote. I was pulled out of my fug of self pity by the amazing Jen Star who turned up on Valentines eve and gave me love and cuddles and a lot of laughing. I cooked posh chicken kievs and we put the world to rights before eating our body weight in chocolate and singing along very loudly to the Rent soundtrack. Then we went to the pub and met a cast of comedy characters and had a boogie. We ended up staying up til seven in the morning talking about poetry and reading. Could not have been more awesome.

On Monday the hairy Kiwi, who is hairy no more, got on a plane to NZ and we had a bit of coffee that morning and had a nice chat about everything and nothing. He's since been in touch to inform me that he was upgraded to business class on the flight to Oz and that he had arrived in Sydney safe and sound. All is well with us and hopefully I'll not go mental again in the too near future.

And then last night I met up with Mr B to go to the theatre - a ten minute play which hardly seemed worth the effort somehow. I had been really unsure about whether to go at all as I wasn't sure that spending an evening listening to him being all effusive about his new girlie was the best way to go, but he seemed really keen to see me so I thought ok, if it's horrid or a bit uncomfortable making I can just head off early on. I arranged to meet another friend early on so it ended up not being just the two of us.

The three of us had a lovely evening even though the play was fairly dreadful, and then my friend headed off as unlike either me or Mr B she had work in the morning. We tripped off for a very late dinner and more drinks in Soho and I was telling him about falling out with the Kiwi. He was very insistent that if I got sad he would always be there for me and I should talk to him and I asked what I should do if it was him that had had that effect on me. He sounded really relieved that I'd said that I was thrown by the Sweden trip and it sort of opened the floodgates and he started to tell me how it had been not that great with this girl. We sat down in Cafe Boheme and (rather tipsy at this point) we were talking about us - he was saying nice things; how he missed me, how we had had the best sex of his life hands down, bla de bla.
I was drunk and his eyes were all big and dark and he was very sweet.

We walked towards a night bus stop and he kept stopping me and kissing me, or pushing me up against things to kiss me. At one point I almost fell through a gate which was not as sturdy as he thought. Smooth! We got back to mine and that was the end of that. We had a lovely lazy morning this morning and it's just left me wondering how I'm going to feel about this slip in a week or so. Does this mean that I should avoid him as I have no will power if he says the right things? Probably. But at least it was a good night and it made me feel great - I'm always surprised when he tells me how he feels about things and I'm also always surprised when he tells me that I mean something to him. Not sure what that says about me though, or about what I should do about it.

Thoughtlessness and Expectation.

I have had the conversation with Mr B on a number of occasions about why it is that he has never had an argument with a respective partner of his. And why I have had thousands. The conclusion that I arrived at came down to expectations. Being the laid back and self confessed self obsessed kinda guy he is, he doesn’t spend an awful lot of time thinking about what he wants from other people; he spends his time thinking and worrying about what he’s doing right or wrong. I on the other hand tend to have high expectations of the people I spend time with. Whether they be friends or lovers or even colleagues, I have a basic idea of what I want from them, and if they don’t live up to this, I get angry or upset.

And so the arguments can happen. I don’t tend to sit there and simmer and let the resentment I feel bubble and boil; I tend to have a short sharp burst of steam being let off and then usually feel better that everything is out in the open.

Something similar happened last weekend when I had a bit of a to do with the Kiwi, without realising that he was winding me up beforehand, something very small set me off and made me cross to the point of frustrated tears. We talked it through and I thought that would be the end of it.

However sometimes the expectations can leak into each other. Steam can build up in one place then find the wrong outlet to release, which can lead me to blowing up in the wrong persons face. Which I think is what happened last weekend.

I’ve been fairly quiet on the Mr B front lately in an attempt to let him just go away. The reason for this is all seems to be going swimmingly with his new girlie and I am trying rather hard to be happy about this. As promised I did have a chat with him and told him I’d had a rough week that first week and questioned how I felt about him but realised that I had a pattern and simply thought that he was a lovely chap. I hoped that this would be all the closure I needed.

Then, upon meeting for lunch early this week (to discuss writing apparently) he informed me that he and his housemate and their new girls (ouch) would be going to Sweden for four days this week (double ouch). After two and a half weeks. Maybe four or five dates. The unhelpful thoughts that have been dancing around my unhelpful brain ever since have quite a large proportion of “What does she have that I don’t?” and various images. At one point I even started to resent lending him a couple of lamps that I didn’t need after I moved as she would be basking in their glow all thin and naked. As I say, not helpful.

I have prided myself on my high threshold for jealousy since… well, since I really needed one a while back but I am now thinking it maybe lowering somewhat. I’ve not had an easy time this week which goes some way to explaining the trip to Northampton to take my mind off this stuff.

Which makes it all the harder that my expectations are making things tricky with the Kiwi at the moment as well. The row last weekend started over something bloody stupid (my fault, I hold up my hands) in that I was supposed to meet him and a few others for dinner before he went to see a show and he didn’t want to get into town as early as I wanted him to. After the ensuing hissy fit, I did a bit of digging and realised that this was one in a long line of meetings where I was being squeezed in between him doing (to my mind) more important things.

We had a chat about me feeling neglected and him never having enough time because he was trying to make something of himself and agreed to remember that we cared about each other but that we thought differently about this stuff. We ditched the dinner that had caused all the fuss (or rather I did, stating that apparently I shouldn’t be around people at that moment), and met in a big group for Sunday lunch last week instead.

So all should be well. And yet here I am, once again, furious that he could be so thoughtless about a tiny little thing. Yesterday we had a chat on the phone about the evening’s plans – he had tickets with his girlfriend to see a show at the theatre where I work so I was going to spend my dinner break with them. I asked, in my most reasonable “I promise not to flip out at you” manner whether it would be ok if we met for lunch over the weekend before he heads back to NZ on Monday for his brother’s wedding for three weeks. Yes, yes, he said.

At dinner that evening he says something about lunch on Sunday. Yes, yes, I say. Then his girlfriend tells me we had better sort out a booking as we don’t want a palava like last week and starts talking about the other three people who are going to be there. I go quiet.

I feel awful for even thinking it, but at what point did it become impossible for us to hang out without seventeen other people being there? I don’t even think he realises that my week has not been easy. In fact I don’t even know if he knows about Mr B and Sweden, and if I have mentioned it he sure as hell doesn’t know how much it’s fucked with my head. His girlfriend is a lovely sweet girl but I have no desire to pour out my heart in front of the happy couple. It makes me rather tearful to think that one of my best friends is oblivious to how him never meeting me alone is making me feel worthless to him.

And let the guilt begin! I feel like shit for feeling this way but maybe I should take my own advice – you can’t control how you feel so you shouldn’t feel ashamed of it. Hmmm, great advice, not so easy to follow.

I’ve asked him to call me later today. I’m going to try and set this out for him without making him feel guilty or bad or helpless to change this. I know he has his bubble and I don’t want to burst it – I know he has his ambitions and I don’t want him to change them – I know he has his girlfriend and I want him to be happy but I need him to know that I need him every now and then and not just in a social context. I need a bear hug. And he’s the only damn bear I’ve got.

Northward Bound

"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
(Reinhold Neibuhr)

After work today I'll be heading Northwards to visit some old friends who saw me through my University days. One of them is having a particularly crappy time at the moment and keeps swinging from "I have a plan!" elation to "I hate my life" despair so I figured now would be a good point o go and remind her that she is fantastic and IS strong enough to change what she doesn't like about where she is at the moment.

It's a funny old feeling going back somewhere you used to be. There's a great Jeanette Winterson quote about it that goes something like:

"Going back after a long time will make you mad because the people you left behind do not like to think of you as changed, will treat you as they always did, accuse you of being indifferent, when you are only different."

It's been over six months since I meandered back to Northampton to visit. I tend to be not that keen to go as I live in the greatest city in the world (in my untravelled opinion) with a million things to do for free and for money, and Northampton is... well... for want of a better word... shite. I lived there for 4 years, commuted to London for the first ten months that I worked here (which was hellish) and so going back is never that tempting. The over-familiar journey grates a bit.

My time there was pretty mixed as well. Arriving heartbroken was never going to endear me to the place, and the arctic winds that whipped across campus did nothing to make me feel at home. Being a southern softie through and through I am not good at cold. I am getting better, due to a pair of (fake) fur lined Caterpillar snow boots and some fantastical spotty wellies, a good warm coat and a sturdy brolly along with the realisation that clothes can in fact be weather proof but it was fucking cold there.

The Uni campus was split in two - where I lived in the first year was the main campus which was on the top of a big hill and was incredibly exposed. One of the main things I remember is reading Catch 22 freezing my tits off waiting at the campus bus stop for 45 minutes before giving up on the lecture I had clearly missed and heading back to the cell I laughingly called my room.

From then on I moved nearer to the other campus, which was slightly more sheltered. However it did mean walking across a huge expanse of grass known as the Racecourse to get to St Georges Avenue (the other campus) which was freezing and very windy. Often the temptation to stay at home in the warm won out over going there to watch films every other week for the film course I did, which accounts for the rather eclectic DVD collection I now have. ET next to Apocolypse Now next to Pyscho anyone?

The strange thing about my University years was that I never really fitted into the student social life. I hated the union, thought the student bars were total dives and a lot of the people were idiots I had taken two years out before going and I found that being a 20 year old next to a load of screeching 18 year olds a bit trying. I gravitated to people who were older - in fact the one fellow student I'm still in touch with (who turned into a Princess) was a good couple of years ahead of me (and never let me forget it!).

Instead, in my second year, I started working at a bar which is where I found my niche. Not that surprising as I had come from working in a bar in Maidstone where I counted my friends as my chosen family (and in some cases I still do- Jen Star!). I made some brilliant friends and for about four months the entire team in this bar got on like a house on fire. Some of the funniest, drunkenest and stupidest times of my life happened with these awesome people.

So hopefully, going back won't drive me mad. Hopefully it will remind me of some lovely people, who I was, and where I am going.

25 Things

1. I hate to call people by their names - having grown up in a house where everyone has a nickname and your real name is only used when you're in trouble has left it's mark.

2. I consider myself a happy person, but having just read A Brave New World has made me question whether that is a good thing.

3. I am unambitious, undriven and unmotivated.

4. I am overly fond of the word 'Moron'.

5. I had two imaginary animals when I was a kid - a rabbit called Bella and a Unicorn called Caterina. I used to gallop around the playground on Caterina and we had a great time.

6. I have no known phobias, but I feel very odd if a loose hair wraps itself around my fingers when I'm washing up or cleaning.

7. I find it hilarious that my mum is afraid of buttons.

8. Although not particularly challenging I find my job to be incredibly fulfilling.

9. I am friends with almost all of my ex-boyfriends, even if things ended in a not very happy way.

10. I still feel guilty about how I treated my parents when I was a teenager but am amazed and pleased at how well we get on now.

11. When I grow up I sort of want to be my auntie.

12. I have a long list of countries that I want to visit but saving money to do this is proving a bit too hard. This year I'm going to do my best for NZ this year and try to break the habit of a lifetime.

13. I used to smoke 10-15 cigarettes a day.

14. I absolutely do NOT believe in The One. I think it's all about the timing. And I will try to convince anyone who does believe in it that they are a moron.

15. Some of the funniest words in the English language are as follows: Chicken, Putney, Moron, Live, Moons and Lube. Oh and Plop.

16. I often start to dress a little bit like the people around me if I think they are cool. I am easily influenced.

17. I find it difficult to make up my own mind about a play without seeing what the critics have to say about it first. They often say what I think but can't tweeze out of my head.

18. I worry that I'll never fall in love again.

19. I would do anything in the world to be able to play the piano, except practice.

20. I tend to go through food phases of eating the same thing every day for a while, then won't touch them again for ages (this week it's chocolate muffins).

21. I eat a lot of awful food that is incredibly bad for me. I should be enormously fat.

22. I know the whole magpie rhyme: 1 for sorrow, 2 for joy, 3 for a girl, 4 for a boy, 5 for silver, 6 for gold, 7 for a story never to be told, 8 for a letter from across the sea, 9 for a love as true as can be.

23. I steal a lot of jokes from obscure British comedies and can usually tell when other people are doing the same thing.

24. I am a committed journal writer as well as a blogger.

25. For a creative writing project at university I once interviewed my Nan and Mum and let my mum interview me with the same questions. One of the most fascinating experiences of my life, discovering the values hopes and fears of three generations of my family.

Books n things

Books that I've read recently that have blown me away:

- The Sea, The Sea by Iris Murdoch

- The Regeneration Trilogy by Pat Baker (read them in a week. Awesome, simply bloody awesome writing)

- Frost/Nixon playscript. Made me want to see what they'd done with the film but most of all made me wish I could write that well.

- A Brave New World by Aldous Huxley. Thanks to Blueskies for the recommendation, you're right, it's scary but brilliant.

- The Time Travellers Wife by Audrey Niffinegger. Her surname makes me laugh on the inside. Kept not buying it in bookshops for ages, then nicked the copy my mum bought and LOVED it.

- Cloud Atlas by David Mitchell (the novelist not the comedic actor). Such a clever concept, executed in a way that made me squeal and wiggle when I realised how it was going to unfold.

In summary - reading books is ace.

I have been wallowing in literature ever since the last play finished and am feeling rather luxurious about it all. It's such a treat to lose myself in book after book, world after world without that horrible niggling feeling that I should be doing something else - learning lines or whatever.

It's also rather joyous to have my life returned to me after doing six shows last year and seven the year before. Suddenly, if I fancy it, I can text a friend during the day and see if they fancy meeting for an off-the-cuff drink or gossip after work, without realising that I have to run off to rehearsals within half an hour. I can spend more time around my neck of the woods, finding new and interesting pubs and restaurants in Balham and I can make promises to myself that I will begin running as soon as the snow starts to clear (which will clearly be broken rather rapidly but it's nice to have that option).

This new found freedom has given me time to mull things over about me and have little leaps of self discovery like a few posts ago. It's left me feeling in control and aware now but it also makes me think that time on my own for a while would be no bad thing at all. Maybe I should focus on being me alone for a while to ensure I don't get sucked back into the aforementioned pattern again next time around. I've been inspired into this by the Kiwi's girlfriend (who rocks, by the way) who said that she never really gave time to trying to meet a man as she had stuff to do that was more interesting. Hell, I want to have more interesting things to do! So I'm going to. Rah.

So all in all - mightily positive considering I'm working til 11pm this evening and back in at 9.45 tomorrow morning after an ill-considered shift swap. And hurray for that. Dinner with another of the Kiwi's exes tomorrow night before watching a show. That man surely does have damn fine taste in women! Mostly.

SNOW!!

Today is has seen the biggest amount of snow fall in London for the last 18 years! And I wasn't a minute late for work. Dammit.

It's incredibly exciting! There's a good six inches worth of snow and growing all the time as it keeps snowing. There are a number of snowmen popping up all over the terraces of the theatre and snow ball fights going on all over the Southbank. Everyone has regressed to being a five year old and it's brilliant.

The downside is that everyone of the 1000+ audience members for this evening are concerned that a) the shows may not be going ahead, b) that they can't get to the theatre at all or c) that they don't want to try and want their money back. I have been repeating the same few phrases all the live long day and it's just about to begin to grate.

The new flat is bloody lovely - the street is incredibly picturesque all covered in the snow and at the bottom of the road is Tooting Common (the common Common, as my old housemate called it!) which is like a winter wonderland crossed with Narnia (beautiful but slightly eerie and possibly evil). I unpacked the last few bits and bobs around midnight last night and rigged up all my telly and dvd player and freeview all by myself (I am proud) and then collapsed into the cosiness that is my little room. The central heating is shit hot so despite the fact that the widow is old and a bit rattly, the room is very snug.

Housemates have seemed remarkably unfazed by the sheer amount of stuff I have been scattering over their comfy abode with only one or two raised eyebrows. I have not yet unleashed my screeching in the shower, though I am looking forward to this.

Now we all have our fingers crossed for a cancellation of the final show this evening so we can all just go home and play in the snow.

Update: Damn. Damn damn damn. They're not cancelling it. Poo.